posted by whosdamike on Sun Apr 26, 2009 at 10:00am Top 5 High-5s

Before the dawn of Man, but slightly after the Sunday brunch of Pygmy Mouse Lemur, the good Lord Sun Wukong bestowed upon his fuzzy ass-scratching children the most noble of earthly gifts: language, in all its shit-smacked glory.

As it turns out, 83% of communication is non-verbal, and thus the first proto-word spoken was not hewn of syllable or grunt or even the beloved football butt-slap.

It's only gay if his hand lingers.

No offense, Butt-Slap, but (heheh) when speaking of the birth of language, we can’t start with you - or phonology or pheremones or even Phil LaMarr.

Nay, comrades! We must go further! Back to communication at its most bombtastic!

The high five.

So submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I present to you:

…the Top 5 High-5s!

5. The Exploding Five

You may think you know about exploding high-fives, but the Lonely Island Guys are about to prove you wrong. Dead wrong.

Witness, the Dudes! When Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg touch fleshes to fleshes, the universe responds by bursting into flame and GLORY.

So magnificent was the destruction wrought by this first five that it caused three networks to throw the Awesometown pilot into the Marianas Trench. In the aftermath, only the SNL could contain them, like the mighty Titans of ancient lorespeak.

4. The Scrubs Sterile Five

photo provided by the high five gallery

When Bill Lawrence was smashing broken tequila bottles on small kittens in Tijuana, lightning struck his eyelids and thus he became imbued with the power of sitcom. In a heated fervor, he grabbed some sugar cane taffy and molded the forms of Zac Braff, Donald Faison, and the totally slamming Sarah Chalke.

On the last day before he rested, he drew bone from the smut-soaked Mexican air and created Robert Maschio, better known to enemies and friends alike as… the Todd.

If there were one being on TV-Earth born for the high-five (besides Thing T. Thing) it is the Todd, attending surgeon by day and manic-high-five-machine by later-that-day!

Witness above the glory of the Sterile Five, which proves that high-fiving isn’t about touching hands - it’s about touching hearts.

Damn, that was an amazing pun. Jesus. I need a raise.

3. The Fresh Prince Five

In the days of yore - before Willard and Martin were Bad Boys, before Capt. Steve Hiller lit cigar-nukes with Jeff Goldblum, before Hitch jumped sharks with Hancock - there, in the silver age of the early 1990s, was the beginning. There, my dear misbegotten 80s brethren, was once upon a time Le Fresh Prince.

Who among us did not attempt the glory of the high-five-to-turn-away-pshhh-thumbs-back shared between The Fresh Prince and his loyal companion, DJ Jazzy Jeff?

At the tender age of 8, my attempt nearly resulted in the loss of six fingers and a cleft eyebrow. Four kids in West Simsbury, CT lost their lives after trying to mimic the show’s first broadcast, leading the CDC to demand the immediate destruction of all footage and photographic evidence of hfttaptb.

Luckily my zany old neighbor asked me to help film an indie porn starring his German shepherd and Libyan terrorists. In the confusion I ended up driving back in time, inventing skateboards, and making Biff suck horse manure.

While there, I also recovered a copy of the hfttaptb! The below image violates CDC restrictions, the Geneva Accords - and the very notion of causality.

Behold, ye mighty, and despair!

Oh. Snap.

2. The Barney Stinson Five

Where Willard left his high-five prime behind along with his childhood fantasies of Jesus and a Xenu-free Teegeeack, Dr. Douglas “Doogie” Howser did not indel his high-five mark until long past his days as a prepubescent trauma surgeon.

No, kiddos, it wasn’t until twelve years, a Magic Castle, and David Burtka later that the veritable En-Pee-Aitch started letting his exquisitely manicured fingers hit ones up-top.

One could dedicate an entire article to the Barney Stinson high-fives, but tragically, this is not a We Love NPH Forevers Fan Site (yet).

Instead we offer you a small sampling of the Barney Fives. (The fact that Jason Segel is in 2/3 of these does not entitle him to a share in the name of these fives.)

The Phone Five

The Just Got Hit By a Bus Five

The Hugh Jackman Product Placement Five

1. The Top Gun Volleyball Fives

You’ve been waiting for it. So here it is.

The greatest of all high fives, the final word on what came before words, the holy grail of the palm-to-palm porn industry… the high-five-way to the Danger Zone!

Yes, my friends. Prepare yourself and bear witness to the 80s High-Five MONTAGE.