The year was 2006. I was diligently plodding away at my advanced hyperphysics differentials, considering grabbing some dinner - dim sum or sushi or pad thai dog - when my friend Charlie Chan burst into the room.

“Mike!” he cried in his heavy Chinese accent. “You never believe this! They put ASIAN guy on Tee-VEE!”

I was annoyed at the disturbance of my matheretical equators. “Charlie, Asians are on TV all the time. Where are they gonna find white guys to play scientists or computer nerds? DJ Qualls can only do so many movies.”

“You no understand, Mike!” Charlie answered. “This time, he SUPERHERO!”

My goggles nearly flew off my narrow chink eyes in shock. And it was thus that I learned of NBC’s Heroes.

So here we have, for your reading pleasure (or psychotic breakdown) the Top 8 Ways HEROES Promotes Diversity.

1. Asian Guys Can Be HEROES.

Admit it. Your racist bigot-neurons never thought an Asian guy could be a hero (except if his parents were slaughtered by an evil Chinese warlord and he was raised in the art of kung-karate-fu by blind Tibetan monks).

Well, look who proved YOU wrong! Hiro Nakamura, the antithesis of the Asian stereotype: a clumsy Star Trek / manga freak who’s never gotten to second base… and has superpowers! That’s right. He stops time. Tell your friends.

2. Women Do Things.

In a shocking purple-nurple to your chauvinist brain-pans, Heroes dares to be different and show you that chicks can roll with the big boys! GIRL POWER!

Just feast your sexist eye-sockets on this list of empowered female womyn:

• CLAIRE, the jailbait blonde cheerleader.
• NIKI, the internet stripper.
• JANICE, the cheating housewife.
• EDEN, the super-powered manipulator.
• MAYA, the plague upon mankind (thankfully her brother shields the world from her evil vile sickness).
• MEREDITH, the crazy pyro deadbeat mother.
• CANDICE, the fattie who can trick people into thinking she’s hot.

I would go on, but I’m afraid it would shatter your fragile 1950s vision of the fairer sex.

3. Latinos Are People, Too.

Yeah, I bet you forgot that there’s more to Mexicubans than pool-boys and dishwashers. Heroes showed us that they’re valuable members of society, just like Jews can be! Suck on this heroic list, whitey!

• ISAAC, the recovering heroin addict.
• MAYA, the plague upon etc. and border-hopping illegal immigrant!
• MAYA’S BROTHER, cure to the evil woman curse and fellow illegal immigrant!

Think about THOSE guys next time you’re threatening to deport your $5 a day niñera! (That means NANNY for you unenlightened out there, which I’m guessing is ALL of you. Bigots.)

4. Hey, They Got Blacks!

WHAT?! Black characters on television?! That’s right, 21st century America, they’re all over the place, not just the White House. And if a black man can be president, then black characters can be heroes!

• DL, the escaped convict.
• SIMONE, the interracial love interest, good if you’re Latino or white.
• MONICA, the Katrina survivor.
• THE HAITIAN, the dark and mysterious ethnic guy.

And not only does Heroes boast blacks, but…

5. …the Blacks Die FIRST.

That’s right. Simone ate it first. Then DL was the first powered hero to kick the bucket.

You’re thinking, “That’s not right! Killing the black ones off first is a stereotype! What gives, Uncle Mike? What. GIVES.”

That’s the TRICK, champ. People don’t EXPECT the black ones to die first. People are all hyper-PC, and I’m not talking a souped up Linux box. They’re scared, kiddo. Scared to be REAL.

Heroes is all about violating your stereotypes, which they’ve done here by MEETING them, thus double-tricking your overly clever, politically correct Oprah vision. Almost got ‘em, buddy. But as usual, Heroes is one hit ahead of the flock!

6. Holy Smack. Indians?!

Now if that weren’t enough for you, Heroes has Indians, too! And not the cowboy kind, the turban kind. I think. I don’t really get Indians, but Heroes sure does! This is one model minority they’ve got in spades, and by spades, I mean like, three guys. But trust me, they represent the whole range of Indian stereotypes society.

• MOHINDER, a fancy-pants professor guy who DOESN’T wear glasses.
• INDIAN KID WHOSE NAME I FORGOT, aka Weird Mystic Indian Dream Child.
• MOHINDER’S DAD, a fancy-pants professor turned TAXI CAB DRIVER.

Yeah. I bet you didn’t even know Indians could DRIVE taxi cabs. Shows what you know, commie.

7. If Asians Work Hard, We Can Be White, Too!

Blowing through your preconceived notions of the AZN, halfway through season 1, we find out something shocking: Hiro becomes COOL in the future!

And not just regular cool: assimilated WHITE cool. He’s no longer the geeky, “so cute” fresh-off-the-boat uber-nerd! Now his pinko Jap “herros” are red-blooded capitalist “hellos”!

Future Hiro proves that if we work hard enough and can time-travel, even the most Asian of us can reach our dream of being WHITE.

Put that in your hash pipe and smoke it, Mike Richards!

8. Pretty Fly for a White Guy.

FINALLY, we get to white guys. It seems like white guys are always getting it last these days. Affirmative action, my yellow ass!

There’s tons of opportunities for the underprivileged white male here. We’ve got police officers, businessmen, politicians, a MALE nurse (whooooooa), and a GAY kid. I’ll say that again: a gay kid.

Plus, Peter “Superman” Petrelli and the sinister Sylar - the most powerful hero and villain in the series - are actually WHITE MALES. I don’t think your grandpappy could’ve ever imagined this day, at least not in HIS lifetime. Count your lucky stars, Timmy. Count your lucky, whitey stars.