2039. The ScientoXian purge of manputerkind’s last fifth age has left the Earth a scattered dust-shot ruled by roach and African aardvark.

Rustling behind me. My larva-clone clicks in his Anglo-Chinese tongue. “Lo, Miketavius, wherefore hast the mundus Earth fallen so? Wast it alwayst like this?”

“No,” I reply, a note of something like human sorrow burrowing up from my gen-enhanced iPod thorax. “No, Miketavius 6. The world was glorious once. Great clear oceans, skies that wove together colors so vibrant I barely remember their names. 99¢ cheeseburgers.”

“Why, Father? Why did the world fade away?”

I shake my antennae sadly. “The Scientologists, Miketavius 6. The Scientologists.”

“Who?”

“They started this war. They took something… very precious from us. Very precious. And we had to fight to try to get them back.”

“What did they take?”

“Our celebrities, Miketavius 6. They took our celebrities.”

5. Tom Cruise

I know you’re confused. Puzzled. Perplexed. Baffuddled, even. WHY, you ask, is TOM CRUISE on this list?

Well what you have to remember is, before he was this:

aka, Emperor Palpatine with a hell of a Force grip, he was this:

America’s lovable rascal pilot, mouth writing checks his body can’t cash.

One can argue one way or another how much crazy juice Cruise was sipping before Scientology, but he sure as crap is dosing heavy on the Kool-Aid these days.

I can handle watching a run-of-the-mill crazy actor while he fights alien tripods, rips faces off Russian counteragents, or time-cops it in future Lexuses.  But now Tommy thinks he’s the real tomato: a bonafide Xenu-fightin’ Last Samurai.

You can’t handle the truth. Son, you live in a world that has walls, padded walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg?

4. John Travolta

So I’m going to face facts here and admit that John Travolta was completely uninteresting before Scientology. He’s been sniffing the Hubbard paste since the onset of his career - even when he was head of the T-Birds, the totally O.G. all-singing all-dancing band of high school rebels.

But for John Travolta, I was almost willing to forgive it. With his soothing tenor tunes about shoo-boppin’ through the summer nights and his perfectly sculpted hair… but this isn’t about why Travolta is and always has been a total dreamboat. This is about how Scientology ruined John Travolta with this:

Quite possibly the worst vomit to hit the big screen since Wil Wheaton spun yarn and tall tale in Stand By Me. Thankfully the global public agreed and thus the UN Armaments Act of 1974 was amended to ban the sale, manufacture, or deployment of Battlefield Earth in any armed conflict, for fear of the long-term environmental impact of the use of such bombs on hapless civilian bystanders.

And a Hubbard-based film was never seen again. Still, thanks to them, I can’t help but see this:

even when I’m watching this:

3. Katie Holmes

Oh, Joey Potter. Sweet, innocent girl-next-door.  Wet dream of every male born in the late 1980s.

She had a Thomas Kinkade life in Capeside, dozing along that lazy creek with James Van Der Beek. Really, she was too good for the real world, because as soon as she left the sound stages at Wilmington, Ethan Hunt pulled a snatch ‘n’ grab and dumped her in a Scientology Criminon Purification Camp.

We can only pray to the almighty Xenu that she will someday leave her totally ass-bonkers cult for one of the more adorable, genuine religions - like The Jesus Club or the Indian one with eight arms. (Hail Shiva!)

2. Jason Lee

Jason Lee used to be cool. He was a skateboarding champion - do you know what that means? Neither do I. But I DO know that he got tons of ass flipping 1080s on half-pipes and assumedly catching all kinds of, and this is the technical term, air.

When he got tired of rocking the skating circuit, he switched it up and became indie cool. Seriously. The guy used to hang with Ben Affleck, before he went big. Can’t get more indie than that.

So here I had a man who had skeet and Chasing Amyed his way into my heart, only to find that His Name is Earl is actually a bonafide Thetan-thumpin’ Scientologist. And now when I think of the ambiguously gay Banky Edwards, pining for forbidden Affleck ass-love, all I have is THIS image burned in my skull:

Only NOW, instead of flipping off the proverbial MAN, Jason Lee is in fact flipping off Jesus, Mohammed, and Barack Obama. Bastard. I hope Xenu eats your face.

1. Will Smith

If someone had told me ten years ago that Will Smith was a Scientologist, I would have punched that bitch in the ear canal and spat in their eye socket.

Now, before you start packin’ knuckle sammiches and hockin’ up loogies, open your brain tank, brah, because here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge!

Sometime between showing those fancy-pants Bel Air pudge cats how to electric bugaloo and killing handicapped albino hobos in I Am Legend, Willard Christopher Smith (Jr.) went from this:

i.e., the edgier blacker Zack Morris, to this:

the edgier, blacker Tom Cruise, who wants to make out with Tom Cruise. Which would make him the second Tom Cruise to want to make out with Tom Cruise.

“Wait!” your plebian voices cry. “Last night I was watching TMZ and Will told me he wasn’t a Scientologist! What gives, Uncle Mike?”

That’s TRUE, I reply, too lazy to use quotation marks.

Between stints policing aliens on Earth and opening up Scientology schools, Will spends a lotta time denying he’s a card-carryin’ member. But with Agent J, denial ain’t just a river in Texas: it’s a raging Xenu fire, population Robert Neville.

I know it might be tough for your mind-stomach to suck in so much shock paste in one walk of the net-webs, so to help patch up your spankin’ new tear-holes, here’s a helping of Kitten Frog, just like mama used to make: